Continuous ongoing stress changes brain chemistry-production of serotonin and dopamine can both be affected. And once that change occurs, mood and overall sense of well- being may remain altered, even when the initial stressors are no longer present. The body has habituated to stress as a constant.

Parents of troubled teens, and other individuals who have faced continuous ongoing stress, are physically, emotionally, and spiritually changed by their struggle. I know. It happened to me.

During my teenage daughter's terrifying white water rapids course of life I hit many sink holes. Flailing, and eventually realizing that I was fighting for power I did not have, I learned to face my true limits. I would not wish my experience upon any individual or any family. It was horrific.

This same daughter of mine, now 19, has matured. She's beginning to value being self -sufficient and responsible. She has found the key to let herself out of her steel reinforced state of perpetual self- absorption and callus disregard.

You would think, that I, now free of constant worry, would be "pigging out" on life. Beautiful, healthy new trees and flowers have rooted themselves upon the scorched blackened earth of those forest fire years. My life is rich. I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for. And, often, I AM quite happy and content.

But, unexpectedly, during these past nine months I have also suffered severe insomnia and anxiety. (Amidst those difficult years with my daughter I experienced only occasional anxiety and insomnia) I ask myself daily (feeling frustrated and angry) "Why is this anxiety and insomnia occurring now?"

Trying to respond to my own question, my best guess is, that continuous stress acts like a parasite that eats away at spirit. (Others might describe this state of being as "stress addiction.") Eventually lust for life fades, and initiating small pleasurable actions feels like hard work.

I'm disappointed. This was supposed to be a time of celebration! I've learned that self- pity and self-absorption make matters worse. Such indulgence sucks joy from even the most pleasurable moment. Yet, "getting over myself" is no easy task. Worry and anxiety, acting like a very strong magnet, powerfully draws my attention inwards. Sometimes, not being worried and watchful feels absolutely impossible.

I can find compassion for myself with explanations about the impact of menopause on sleep and mood. I can discuss at length the impact of protracted insomnia upon mental and physical health. But when the rubber hits the road and I am totally honest with myself, I must face the real truth, I and only I am responsible for the quality of my life.

While I waited for my daughter to change (so I could be happy again), I stopped living a balanced, rich life. Hungry for the life I intuit that I can have, I have sought professional help. Medication and therapy have been very helpful. And anxiety has been like truth serum-it's forced me to confront issues and attitudes that I can no longer ignore or accommodate to. Breathing deeply, regular exercise, meditation, prayer and a healthy diet have also helped immensely.

I have, amidst these times, also made huge strides in my life. I am proud of those accomplishments. But it has become abundantly clear to me that I am skillful, and in the habit of putting out old fires. Now, my attention must focus on creating a life worth living. All excuses are unacceptable. It's a matter of choice-kill my spirit (ie-worry and obsess) or feed it--engage in life, renew passion, take risks.

YES, brain chemistry and mood ARE altered by stress. This must be recognized and dealt with appropriately and effectively. In so doing, there IS more available energy to "kick yourself in the butt and get a life." But medication, healthy living, and even the best therapy are not magic bullets.

The habit of waiting for something external to change rooted itself during six years of stress and crisis with my daughter. (A childhood history of fighting loss of love through approval seeking is the earth those habits planted themselves upon). Regardless of circumstances, my old, highly reinforced habits must be unlearned.

Creating new habits of personal response-ability must begin. I welcome any and all baby steps towards building those h new habits. I don't expect these changes to occur over night. But I AM holding myself "patiently accountable."

I hope the thoughts expressed in this essay will resonate to others and create dialogue. Please visit the bulletin board on my web site www.jmartinmft.com/troubled.html to share your thoughts, reactions and personal experiences of this topic.