WHEN IT COMES TO TEENS,
THERE ARE NO SIMPLE ANSWERS

While listening to yet another expert pontificate on national television about the horrifying bloodbath at Santee High School I stormed out of the room. It was, for me, yet another futile and simplistic explanation for why troubled kids do what they do.

For thirty years, I’ve successfully counseled children and their families. I’m also the parent of a troubled teen. In addition to my professional training, I have used every conceivable resource to anticipate, understand, and battle my own troubled daughter’s destructive behavior. The quarter of a million trust fund dollars I spent containing her within a locked treatment facility did eventually stop her reign of terror. But even after all that help, I still don’t know why she made such awful choices—and I doubt that I ever will.

Did I have "early warning signs?" I don’t think so. Could I have parented her better? Most likely, yes. Ask any parent if they could have parented better, and they will probably say, "Yes." Does that make us "bad" parents? Does that make us culpable when our child harms herself or someone else?

Most people believe in verifiable explanations for why kids do what they do. In my own case, seeking such information was like following a desert mirage. In the process, I lost faith that I could find the right answer. It’s very scary, to not know. The helplessness is excruciating, the terror unimaginable—and such helplessness is daily fare for parents of troubled teens.

Stripped of my usual sense of self during those stormy days I weathered with my daughter, I, quite unexpectedly, became more me, more authentic. That was what I, and my daughter most needed. Now, most of the time, I fit my own skin as comfortably as well-worn denims. And like those denims that are frayed at the ankles and have holes in the pockets, I to am flawed and have many weak spots.

I used to place great faith in knowing what to do and say. The results of my efforts gave me confidence. I’ve wanted to expose my daughter to a multitude of life experiences and help her feel capable and competent. And while I don’t diminish the importance of such pursuits, I have re-prioritized my thinking.

I can’t offer irrefutable proof to anyone that living and parenting authentically prevents children from becoming troubled teens. But it’s my experience, and the teachings of many spiritual traditions, that the root feelings of alienation, impulsiveness and confusion—emotions that characterize many troubled teens (and teens in general) simply don’t flourish in this particular soil. Instead, germinating in this fertile field is ease, confidence, and a sense of belonging.

Life guarantees very little and my particular faith in authenticity might seem to someone else, "simplistic and futile." But it is the only approach to parenting and living that I can speak of and offer to others with both humility and enthusiasm.

Judy Martin is a Marriage Family Therapist in private practice in San Francisco. She is the author of the recently released book, Wake Up Call: A Mother’s Fight To Save Her Troubled Teen. Essays and support for parents of troubled teens can be found on her website www.jmartinmft.com/troubled.html